“I don’t want to waste a whole hour in this dump,” repeated President Jenna Bush with a louder yawn.
“We’re having a little problem with so-called free speech,” said Cheney’s computer. “We’ve tried to be tolerant, but now terrorists are using our tolerance against the American people.”
‘I thought you and Daddy took care of that one,” said Bush. “I mean, sticking protestors and creeps in ‘Free-Speech Zones’ where nobody has to see them–we don’t still do that?”
The Cheney computer harrumphed with embarassment. “Er, well, yes. Of course, the number of Free Speech Zones has shrunk since your father’s time. We got it down to one Free-Speech Zone per state, but the terrorists kept on trying to take advantage. And god-fearing Americans didn’t need those zones anyway.”
Bush sighed. She was really very sleepy. “OK, 50 is too many. Close some more of them down.”
“Good thinking, Madame President,” said the computer. “Really excellent. And in fact, anticipating your thought we did that, about five years ago. There’s only one left.”
The president opened her eyes. “One Free Speech Zone?”
“The US Capitol,” said the computer sadly. “A proud monument to free speech and our Constitution. We kept it orderly, of course–each group was assigned its own stall in one of the restrooms–of course, only restrooms on the Minority Side were used. But terrorists crept in, taking advantage of our generosity. In fact, echoes of these so-called ‘protests’ have been creeping into the speeches of Democrats in both the House and the Senate.”
The background music soared to a crescendo that seemed to call for some kind of response. “Oh,” said the President. “That’s terrible.”
“Terrorists around the globe are being heartened,” said the computer. Behind the plastic curtains around his respirator, Cheney himself seemed to be moving his head, slowly and sadly, from side to side.
“If we don’t act, the terrorists will win,” said the President. She’d found this was a line that worked in most situations.
“Exactly,” said the computer. “So, if you just sign the Emergency Executive Order here–I think we’ll call this one ‘True Free Speech Respects American Values, Fights Terror, and Doesn’t Kill Cute Little Kittens.’ “
“Nice,” said the President, signing with a flourish. “And after you get those terrorists out of the Capitol, what will you put in there instead.”
“What would you like, Madame President?” asked the computer. “A squash court? An multi-screen cinema? Separate quarters for the children?”
“More back-up generators,” said the President. “I have a feeling that we’re going to need them.”
Anti-Bush protesters are now relegated to what are euphemistically called Free Speech Zones. These areas are cordoned off as far as a mile away from the president and the main thoroughfares, so that Bush cannot see the demonstrators, or their signs of protest, nor hear their chants.
The free speech enclosures are only for those who disagree with the administration’s current policies. Those citizens who carry pro-Bush signs are allowed to line the street where the president’s motorcade passes.