Betsy Devine: Funny ha-ha and/or funny peculiar

Neil Gaiman does newbie-friendly RSS–with a text link from his home page to RSS Info:

RSS (Rich Site Summary) is a means of distributing Blog summaries in a lightweight XML format to let you keep up with what’s new in Neil’s Journal. You can now set up a desktop aggregator which will grab the RSS feed from this site (and others) and give you a short summary of any new postings that are available…[links to aggregators, more info, etc.]

When not blogging brilliantly about RSS, Neil writes books, including one of my favorite books–Stardust–and (much more famously Sandman and American Gods.

Uh oh! Halley is coding her own new RSS app to tell the world how we spend our Saturday nights. Terrifying!

We who snug down on Saturday for cozy reading don’t want you to know we’re so un-scintillating.

OTOH, the 2.47 people who spend Saturday Kama-Sutra-ing Central Park don’t want to show up on Halley’s webcam either.

Halley, you’re giving a whole new meaning to Saturday night “Outing”. Where do I subscribe to the feed?

Got to run now, though–make sure I have enough champagne–Saturday, y’know. And charades always make Catherine Zeta-Jones so thirsty…

This season’s first holiday miracle just happened–my catalog from Heifer International (online at www.heifer.org.)

The miracle is that I am thrilled to see it.

I remember how pleased my mom was when she discovered this way to give her present-showered grandkids the gift of helping poor families. She didn’t have to hit malls, wrap packages, or spend a lot to give an unforgettably special present. My kids were old enough to be thrilled by the idea.

OK, I admit it, I’m also smiling at this photo of a little boy holding a baby duck in his hands (it’s bigger in my catalog).

Go check them out–and you’ll be smiling too.

“Passing on the Gift” is a key component of Heifer International’s program. Participants give offspring of their livestock to others, in an ever-widening circle of hope. Here, a woman in India passes on a goat in a ceremonial setting. Photo credit: Darcy Kiefel Copyright: Heifer International Just $10 lets you give a share of a goat. …$20 buys a flock of baby chicks. …or, for that special someone, $25 buys a share in a water buffalo. Each price represents “the complete livestock gift of a quality animal, technical assistance, and training,” says my catalog.

Halley’s getting ready to  blog about her New York adventures, so
taking a leaf from the playbook of Prince Charles, let me just move to
deny everything in advance.

(The beginning of the story)

“I don’t want to waste a whole hour in this dump,” repeated President Jenna Bush with a louder yawn.

“We’re having a little problem with so-called free speech,” said Cheney’s computer. “We’ve tried to be tolerant, but now terrorists are using our tolerance against the American people.”

‘I thought you and Daddy took care of that one,” said Bush. “I mean, sticking protestors and creeps in ‘Free-Speech Zones’ where nobody has to see them–we don’t still do that?”

The Cheney computer harrumphed with embarassment. “Er, well, yes. Of course, the number of Free Speech Zones has shrunk since your father’s time. We got it down to one Free-Speech Zone per state, but the terrorists kept on trying to take advantage. And god-fearing Americans didn’t need those zones anyway.”

Bush sighed. She was really very sleepy. “OK, 50 is too many. Close some more of them down.”

“Good thinking, Madame President,” said the computer. “Really excellent. And in fact, anticipating your thought we did that, about five years ago. There’s only one left.”

The president opened her eyes. “One Free Speech Zone?”

“The US Capitol,” said the computer sadly. “A proud monument to free speech and our Constitution. We kept it orderly, of course–each group was assigned its own stall in one of the restrooms–of course, only restrooms on the Minority Side were used. But terrorists crept in, taking advantage of our generosity. In fact, echoes of these so-called ‘protests’ have been creeping into the speeches of Democrats in both the House and the Senate.”

The background music soared to a crescendo that seemed to call for some kind of response. “Oh,” said the President. “That’s terrible.”

“Terrorists around the globe are being heartened,” said the computer. Behind the plastic curtains around his respirator, Cheney himself seemed to be moving his head, slowly and sadly, from side to side.

“If we don’t act, the terrorists will win,” said the President. She’d found this was a line that worked in most situations.

“Exactly,” said the computer. “So, if you just sign the Emergency Executive Order here–I think we’ll call this one ‘True Free Speech Respects American Values, Fights Terror, and Doesn’t Kill Cute Little Kittens.’ “

“Nice,” said the President, signing with a flourish. “And after you get those terrorists out of the Capitol, what will you put in there instead.”

“What would you like, Madame President?” asked the computer. “A squash court? An multi-screen cinema? Separate quarters for the children?”

“More back-up generators,” said the President. “I have a feeling that we’re going to need them.”

Anti-Bush protesters are now relegated to what are euphemistically called Free Speech Zones. These areas are cordoned off as far as a mile away from the president and the main thoroughfares, so that Bush cannot see the demonstrators, or their signs of protest, nor hear their chants.

The free speech enclosures are only for those who disagree with the administration’s current policies. Those citizens who carry pro-Bush signs are allowed to line the street where the president’s motorcade passes.

Charles Levendosky of the Casper (Wyo.) Star-Tribune

By Charles Levendosky of the Casper (Wyo.) Star-Tribune
The Salt Lake Tribune, Sunday November 09, 2003

President Bush has never been an advocate of the First Amendment. Even when he was governor of Texas, he prohibited demonstrations on the walkways in front of the governor’s mansion, an area which had traditionally been used for peaceful protests.

As president, Bush has widened his restrictions on demonstrations against his policies. Anti-Bush protesters are now relegated to what are euphemistically called Free Speech Zones. These areas are cordoned off as far as a mile away from the president and the main thoroughfares, so that Bush cannot see the demonstrators, or their signs of protest, nor hear their chants.

The free speech enclosures are only for those who disagree with the administration’s current policies. Those citizens who carry pro-Bush signs are allowed to line the street where the president’s motorcade passes.

Members of the Secret Service or local law enforcement officers under orders of the Secret Service demand protesters move into a free speech area.
Brett Bursey, of South Carolina, attended a speech given by the president at the Columbia Metropolitan Airport. He was standing among thousands of other citizens. Bursey held up a sign stating: “No more war for oil.”

Bursey did not pose a threat to the president, nor was he located in an area restricted to official personnel. Bursey wasn’t blocking a corridor the Secret Service needed to keep clear for security reasons. He was standing among citizens who were enthusiastically greeting Bush. Bursey, however, was the only one holding an anti-Bush sign.

He was ordered to put down his sign or move to a designated protest site more than half a mile away, outside the sight and hearing of the president. Bursey refused. He was then arrested and charged with trespassing by the South Carolina police.

However, those charges were dropped. Understandably, courts across the nation have upheld the right to protest on public property.

Instead, Bursey was indicted by the federal government for violation of a federal law that allows the Secret Service to restrict access to areas visited by the president. Bursey faces up to six months in prison and a $5,000 fine.

Members of the U.S. House, including those on the House Judiciary Committee and the House Select Committee on Homeland Security, sent a letter to U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft urging him to drop the federal criminal prosecution of Bursey.

The letter signed by 11 members of the House, including Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., and Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, states, in part: “As we read the First Amendment to the Constitution, the United States is a ‘free speech zone.’ In the United States, free speech is the rule, not the exception, and citizens’ rights to express it do not depend on their doing it in a way that the president finds politically amenable. . . . We ask that you make it clear that we have no interest as a government in ‘zoning’ Constitutional freedoms, and that being politically annoying to the president of the United States is not a criminal offense. This prosecution smacks of the use of the Sedition Acts two hundred years ago to protect the president from political discomfort. It was wrong then and it is wrong now.”

The American Civil Liberties Union, on behalf of four national advocacy groups, has filed a lawsuit in federal court charging the Secret Service with a “pattern and practice” of discrimination against protesters that violates their free speech rights. The suit seeks to ban the Secret Service and local police from confining protesters to areas away from the view of public officials and the press.

The federal government has gone much further, however. The Oct. 3, Fresno (Calif.) Bee reported that a member of the Fresno Sheriff’s Department had infiltrated a peace group, Peace Fresno, to collect information on members of the group. Peace Fresno has no history of violent protests that would endanger national security.

And on July 13, the Department of Justice charged the environmental organization, Greenpeace Inc., with conspiracy to board a cargo vessel without the ship’s permission and without other lawful authority before the vessel arrived at its destination. The second count under this prosecution charges Greenpeace with boarding the vessel before arrival. The maximum penalty for each count is a $10,000 fine, as well as a probation period that could reach 11 years. The cargo vessel was approximately three miles from the port of Miami.
The protest that sparked this federal prosecution occurred back in April 2002. Two Greenpeace activists climbed aboard a cargo ship to unfurl a banner protesting the ship’s illegal cargo of Amazon mahogany wood. The banner simply read: “President Bush: Stop Illegal Logging.” The activists were detained before they could unfurl the banner. It was an effort to prompt U.S. authorities to seize the ship’s cargo.

However, the mahogany was never seized and the ship’s captain was not detained for carrying illegal cargo. Instead, Greenpeace became the target of federal prosecutors.

The pattern is clear: the Bush administration wants to suppress civil disobedience and peaceful protest. The federal government has never criminally prosecuted an entire organization for the free speech activities of its supporters. It’s an attack on the very core of the First Amendment.

One of this nation’s founding documents, the Declaration of Independence, is a forceful protest against the actions of King George III and the British government. Protest actions like the Boston Tea Party, the civil rights movement and anti-war demonstrations have shown that active citizens have the ability to promote and secure democratic ideals.

Charles Levendosky is editorial page editor of the Casper Star-Tribune.

© Copyright 2003, The Salt Lake Tribune.

Original article

Dateline: Washington, November 17, 2023

The President was having a tiring day. Washington was in the throes of another blackout, and despite the White House’s massive bank of emergency backup generators, the air conditioners in the nursery wing were no longer working. Ten of the fifteen presidential children, with their nannies, their personal aides, and their drama coaches, were milling about the Oval Office.

President Jenna Bush gave a sigh of frustration. “Even in Texas we didn’t need air conditioning in November,” she complained to Vice President Cheney.

“Global Climate Improvement,” said a computerized voice from the massive respirator where Cheney lived these days.

“Global warming,” said Bush a bit crossly, as a toy bazooka bullet bounced off her ankle.

“Global Climate Improvement,” said Cheney’s computer, a bit more forcefully. Rumor had it that the computer itself now handled most Cheney responses.

“Whatever,” sighed the President. “Look, you said you wanted to see me. You asked me to cut short my six-month summer vacation. I had to cancel two golf games and a massage. You guys are supposed to take care of that government stuff.”

“Of course we do.” The computer’s voice was soothing. From speakers around the Oval Office came soothing music, a pop orchestration of Jewel’s Hands song. A light spritz of vanilla and cinnamon from vents in the floor masked the odor of airborne tranquilizer. A hush descended on the president’s children, and several curled up on the carpet to take a nap.

“I don’t want to waste a whole hour in this dump,” said Bush with a yawn.

The rest of the story…

Anti-Bush protesters are now relegated to what are euphemistically called Free Speech Zones. These areas are cordoned off as far as a mile away from the president and the main thoroughfares, so that Bush cannot see the demonstrators, or their signs of protest, nor hear their chants.

The free speech enclosures are only for those who disagree with the administration’s current policies. Those citizens who carry pro-Bush signs are allowed to line the street where the president’s motorcade passes.

Charles Levendosky of the Casper (Wyo.) Star-Tribune

After due consideration, I have decided to accept David Weinberger’s nomination as Howard Dean’s running mate.

Since JOHO mentions only two of my qualifications, let me add a few more ways I could help Dean win:

• By running a daily Feedster search on karl+rove,* I can help Dean keep track of what Bush’s brain is up to.
• My NH roots should help with that vital primary.
• Dean will look tall standing next to me for photos.

If elected, I pledge to keep blogging and trying to make people laugh. This will keep me out of a lot of trouble Dick Cheney seems to have gotten himself into.

Many thanks to David for bringing this unusual job opportunity to my attention!

Feedster search on shawl

Elaine

PHP for Dummies now sits on my bedside table–but it’s way too shocking for any late night reading.

Coming to PHP from the genteel, dignified world of C++ and Java is like walking into a room and discovering–Mrs. Robinson! What are you doing?

In Java, defining a variable is something that happens only after long, dignified courtship. Not even porcupines mating are so careful. The imports, the classes, the public static void main (String args [] )–and then finally, after many a bouquet of roses, you’re ready to beg the favor of, please–let me define a variable or two.

Then you have to spell out what you want, to Java’s complete satisfaction:

int number1 = 1;
String dontSayNo = “please”;
String beggingYouNotToSayNo [] = {”pretty”, “pretty”, “please?”};

Wooo–PHP doesn’t care about stuff like that:

$one_variable = 5;
$another_variable = -2.55;
$yet_another_variable = “Just show me that dollar sign, I’m there!”;

OK, that was my shock yesterday–this is today. Today I told Scott Johnson, who’s teaching me this stuff, “Mrs. Robinson just took off her skin and showed me her skeleton–I’m declaring arrays!”

In Java or C++, you have to set aside all the space you need before you start filling arrays. But PHP has that same “Hey–why not?” attitude. You can start an array, throw a couple of elements in it, and then decide later you want to add several more.

What a whole new world of freedom–it’s like being able to say, “Mom, I’m bringing a friend for dinner…” Then you show up with 7 friends, a puppy, plus (Scott adds) a parakeet and a goldfish–and Mom says, “Hey, no problem, who ever runs out of spaghetti?”

When I grow up, I want to be PHP!