Mr Sun will soon start livemocking the Oscars.
I love the idea, but I can’t stay awake long enough to copy him. So I
decide to pre-mock them instead–collecting some fine bouquets of
verbiage from around the web and leaving them here for you to toss at
the contenders.
I’ve lined up columns A and B to my own satisfaction, but feel free to mix and match them as you will:
| – Column A –
|
– Column B –
|
| 1. Sideways as Best Picture???? | 1. It was like spending hours in “… the blazing desert (115 degrees), home of the highly venomous Mexican Gila Monster (Heloderma horridum), the giant “red-knee” Tarantula, the deadly Centruoides scorpion, the blood-sucking, Chagas Disease-spreading cone-nosed Kissing Bug, the mammoth poisonous Giant (9-12 inch) Desert Centipede (Scolopendra heros) whose very legs, let alone its double pair of venom-injecting jaws, jab the victim with an agonizing neurotoxin, the vicious heat-sensing Diamondback Rattlesnake (Crotalus atrox) and the squeaking Vampire Bat flying overhead.” — Email from Dr. Hal, via Cary Tennis |
| 2. Johnny Depp in anything | 2. At some level, he’s like a toaster made out of glass, “which celebrates toasting in a glowing and shining way that makes us look forward to enjoy a fresh piece of toast. At work, he shows himself and at the same time he explains how he works. He neither hides the bread, nor its preparation. In this way it is possible to receive him as an idyllic little light..” — Ad for see-through toaster, via Gizmodo |
| 3. Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby | 3. “Starts out big, eases into subtle fruitiness, begins the new day with the world glazed in pain and a heightened sensitivity to light and motion.” — Parody winespeak by notyou over on Plastic — and I mean this in the most respectful and admiring way. |
| 4. In any category, Lemony Snicket | 4. [Shrugging] “Things sure are different since the aliens took over.” — Cartoon by Francis at Heaneyland |