From Wikimedia Commons category “dogs eating.”
Later, I heard parents use, “That’s not appropriate!” More recently, parents are saying, “That’s not a choice.”
Because children, like dogs, don’t know language except what we teach them, it’s likely that children, past present and future, translate all these three into the same basic knowledge: “I expect you to learn some behavior is not OK, not now and not ever.”
But nevertheless, these three different sayings are different–in their effect on the parents who say them. And thus, important progress has been made. “No, don’t do that” incites power struggle, with parent v child. “Not appropriate” implies moral rules a parent just describes, with the child as a potential sinner. “Not a choice” reminds parents as well as the children that other behaviors exist that would be better.
Maybe this improved language can also help in our “parenting” of ourselves. “Don’t do that” is the internal language of will-power. “Not appropriate” asks guilt and shame to step in, when pride hasn’t been enough to change our behavior. But the world-view of “not a choice” could be useful. I’m going to try that.