Betsy Devine: Funny ha-ha and/or funny peculiar

On May 22, 2003 we had a national emergency–I sure missed that one.

I might have noticed a national emergency if Bush had happened to mention it to–for example–the nation. But Executive Order 13303 crept under the newsmen’s radar, as did Bush’s claim of:

“…an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States… I hereby declare a national emergency to deal with that threat.

It wasn’t until July anybody noticed the May “national emergency” had given our President some sweeping powers and the oil companies some startling benefits.

On May 22, the UN set up a Development Fund for Iraq, funded by revenues from Iraqi oil. “Billions and billions”, as Carl Sagan would say–a better translation is “corporate feeding frenzy“.*

That same day, Bush’s Executive Order 13303 declares null and void any legal action related to petroleum from Iraq.
Some Bush critics** say EO 13303 must have been drafted by an oil company lawyer who expected Bush to agree to only a fraction of its laundry list–for example:

• An accident caused by your negligence injures workers? They can’t sue.
• Your pipeline breaks? The damages aren’t your problem.
• A tanker spills your oil into New York Harbor? Hey, if it’s Iraqi oil, you’re in the clear!

Oil-company authorship would explain why, on the one hand, the legal protection it gives is so sweeping–and, on the other hand, it benefits only oil companies. I hope, that as non-oil companies head for Iraq, we won’t get another “national emergency.”

And I hope that in any real national emergency, somebody tells us about it.

* Josh Marshall this morning links to online promises of high-level influence by Bush’s longtime friend Joe M. Allbaugh.

** That is, I say it. I’m a Bush critic, and “some” is a mathematical term meaning “at least one.”

People talk about meanings lost in translation–how about translations that find something hidden?

I mean, before David Weinberger read the world news in translation did he guess at the role of acorns in politics? Until I read a Portuguese translation of my page, I was ignorant of
“milliamperes” in Cambridge, MA.

President’s Bush’s speech to the UN yesterday got translated into many languages. What did other nations actually hear? I now give you Bush, in translation by Mark Spittle:

…As I am sure many of you remember, partly due to the fact that your international press is better at staying on-topic than the US press is, I pretty much thumbed my nose at you when I wanted to invade Iraq….

Now that Iraq has turned into a quagmire, a word I am pretty sure means ‘Vietnam’ in French, I am forced to come before you and fall on my sword.

Well I am not about to do that. Instead, I will plead and beg that you help us in Iraq. But I will not fall on my sword.

You see, I represent the American people. And the American people are tired of hearing about how every day more and more American soldiers are being killed in Iraq, and how more American soldiers have died since I put on my flight suit than before….

The American people feel it is the UN’s duty to assist in the rebuilding of Iraq.

First of all, they believe this because they understand the United Nation’s role in the world far better than my advisors did a few months ago. And secondly, they really would rather see your soldiers getting killed than ours…

So, I am asking you to forget the past, forget whatever was said, and look forward. Look to a future where the United Nations can prove itself relevant by sending its soldiers into a quagmire, and help free up the American responsibilities there.

I’m asking you not only as a friend within the international community, but as a world leader heading into a re-election.

One more thing, I know we owe some dues. Please stop sending the late notices.

Thank you, and may the American version of the Christian God bless you all.

Guest humor column at Liberal Oasis. Mark Spittle is one half of the political satire duo Spittle & Ink. He is a former Washington lobbyist and congressional assistant.

“The Democratic candidates continued their patter of political hate speech. These kinds of harsh, bitter personal attacks are unprecedented in the history of presidential politics.”

Republican National Committee Chairman Ed Gillespie, quoted by ABC News, Sept. 10, well in advance of “Talk Like a Pirate Day.”

Ed Gillespie says his blood starts boilin’ when he hears Dick Gephardt call Bush “a miserable failure.”

“Shiver me timbers, Dick Gephardt!” thinks Ed Gillespie. “That’s way out o’ bounds in presidential politics. Can ye’ picture Republicans spewin’ such scurvy charges against Bill Clinton?”

Meanwhile, “liberals”* at the DNC posted a
pile of Republican abuse goin’ all the way back to the first Bush and Willie Horton. But the DNC (just like Mr. Gillespie) can’t recall one cross word anyone aimed at Bill or Hillary Clinton.**

Arrrr, ye blisterin’ bunghole “Democrats”! Do ye think yer pretendin’ ye never knew Bill Clinton will win ye one vote from the “We-hate-Clinton” brigade? ‘Tis the same fool strategy Al Gore tried–remember?

Arrrr, the whole lot o’ those National Committees be scurvy dogs. Run up Jolly Roger, boys–let ’em walk the plank!

* “Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots, and on the matter of America’s self-preservation, the difference is irrelevant. Fifty years of treason hasn’t slowed them down.”

Ann Coulter, enthusiastically quoted by the Conservative Book Service website.

** Googling “Hitlery + Clinton” turns up 3030 pages of courteous political deep thought. I admit I’m still wondering about the apparent contradiction between being a lesbian and having sex with Vince Foster (before she murdered him, of course). And how did they persuade the former First Lady to pose for so many different obscene photos?

Good news for Ed Gillespie!

Dave Winer’s email is busted again, so I guess he didn’t get my request for a correction to his blast at Dean:

The first candidate that helps voters publish their own stories and ideas and drive the campaign is the one who really captures the energy of the Web. So far Dean has used the Web to raise money to spend on big rallies and TV ads. That’s using the Web in kind of a nasty way. But he also helps people find what’s good inside themselves. That’s why people give him the money. I want a candidate to use the Web to listen. It doesn’t take much money to do that.

Howard Dean’s campaign has been deeply involved in using the web to listen since before I ever heard of Howard Dean. Dean staffers and enthusiasts share ideas in a bunch of Yahoo Groups–by now there are <a href = “http://groups.yahoo.com/search?query=Howard%20Dean&ss=1”>525 Yahoo groups</a> where supporters get together, address issues, share ideas, etc. The Dean team has an official campaign blog and an unofficial one too. Howard Dean also spent time as a guest-blogger on Larry Lessig’s blog.

Dave, Dean is listening to voters. I hope you will retract your claim that he isn’t. A lot of people read your blog, and I hope you read mine, since my email is lost in the mist.

“Memorials in her honor can be made to any organization working for the removal of President Bush.”

Sally Baron’s kids wanted to honor their mother’s feisty life and opinions–
by supporting a cause she really cared about.
Sally Baron married a miner and raised six kids in northern Wisconsin. She worked as a factory assembly worker, a waitress, a cook and a dietician. And that’s not all:

“She was the den mother. She was the 4-H leader. She is the lady that taught all of us how to swim, how to play softball, how to camp,” said her son, Joe Baron, who owns a plumbing business in Prairie du Sac.

Sally is the kind of person the DLC Democrats hope to woo back to voting for Democrats by explaining that not *all* Democrats hate soldiers and babies, and only a *few* Democrats love drugs and crime.
Sally was just a lot smarter than they figured. Most people are. Sally watched CNN and C-SPAN and hollered and swore and called Bush a “whistle ass.”

“She thought he was a liar,” Baron’s daughter, Maureen Bettilyon, said. “I think his personality, just standing there with that smirk on his face, and acting like he’s this holy Christian, that’s what really got her.”

Her son Joe Baron agreed. “She just didn’t trust that a big corporate guy was going to be doing what was best for her. She just really didn’t trust him,” he said.

Amen, Sally Baron! Your kids are proud of you, and you should be proud of your kids!

Joe Lieberman, any chance you’re listening?

Talk about “Metablogging”! Dave Winner* took a picture of me taking a picture of him….

Dave has a page of huge wonderful images. I have just a couple more (one of Deaner Mike, Deaner Aaron, Blogger Dave, and Deaner Chace–the other showing Dean’s actual arrival) on this page.

*Aw shucks, folks. If Dave wants to call me “Besty” on his website, don’t you think I ought to return the compliment, by misspelling his name in a flattering way?

…hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tonight I met Howard Dean and heard him speak. About 250 of us showed up at a NH house party, including a bunch of cool Dean volunteers I’d met before and primary-blogging guru Dave Winer.

Okay, I want to blog this event for you so you picture being there with me.

First, you and I took our garbage to the town dump, because Wednesday the dump is open and after that it’s closed until Saturday. You carried the stinky bags to the garbage crusher–how nice of you! I had the fun of throwing cardboard and paper into the recycling box with a mighty THWOKK.

Then, we drove to Johnson’s Dairy Bar on Route 4 in Northwood, where I had a lobster roll and diet coke. What did you get? If you were hungry, a fat cheeseburger or maybe belly clams. (If you eat dessert there, watch out for their “small” dish of ice cream–it’s 3 big scoops.)

Then we drove back to my house to get my dog, who would rather sleep in my car than be left alone, and drove down to Manchester–NH’s biggest city. Once we got close to the party, Dean volunteers at almost every corner waved us toward Allied Avenue.

So if you were with me, we parked our VW and rushed off toward the party. We got stick-on Dean tags, and if you took my advice we stood in the street until Dean arrived so that you and I could really, really see him.

Lots of people were there. People I knew were there. Probably, people you know were also there. TV cameras were there. And suddenly Dean was there, walking down the street, smiling, being interviewed, being photographed, enjoying himself and the people talking with him.

If you were as bold as I was, you shook his hand once those TV cameras stepped back. Then we followed him into the Kelleys’ back yard to hear him speak. Dean spoke without notes, and covered a lot of topics. I also took no notes, but here are a few of the things I remember him saying:

• “I’ll have some fun talking about the President, but a person running for office should also say what he’s for.
• “The two things a candidate has to get right are foreign relations and the economy. Bush has both of these completely wrong.”
• “Fifty per cent of Americans no longer vote. We’ll win by giving them a reason to vote.”

The crowd loved it. I loved it. My feet are covered with mosquito bites–I hope you weren’t wearing sandals! Boy, I’m tired–aren’t you?

After the talk, we walked my dog, but it was no use. She still went wee-wee-wee all the way home. Oh well, it was worth it. Don’t you think so? Okay, good night.

What’s wrong with “abstinence-only” sex education–programs that don’t mention condoms except to say they can break? Bush claims such abstinence-only programs are all kids need to protect them from AIDS and unwanted pregnancy.

Hey, if abstinence-only works so well for sex-education, why don’t we use
it for drivers’ education?

What, because research shows that kids who take drivers’
ed have fewer accidents and fatalities than kids who don’t learn such skills?
Well, Mr. Left-wing “Scientist,” the Bush team has changed the way we measure success.

From now on, drivers’ ed is a success if 1) kids attend classes, 2) kids learn
that the only sure way to avoid accidents is to stay off the road entirely,
and 3) kids tell you they now have the skills they need. Yes, criteria just
like these are being used to prove that abstinence-only sex education works.

If these criteria work for sex-ed classes, why aren’t they used by med schools? (“You
think you’ll make a good doctor? Okay, you pass,–here’s your M.D. degree and
have a nice day.”) And let’s hope HMOs don’t figure out that the only sure way to keep people from dying in hospitals is to close those hospitals down and lock the doors.

For the real skinny on how the Bush team distorts science with ideology, check out this report from the House Committee on Government Reform.

Lots of us talk the talk about blogs as a political force, but Dave and Halley went walking the walk yesterday. That is, they car-pooled up I-93 to hear Senator Bob Graham address the Rotary Club of Manchester, NH (my old home town.)

Now, I don’t agree with everything Dave and Halley say*–but that’s not what matters! What matters is that I got an eyewitness report from fellow-bloggers on a real-life political face-to-face event. (Rich-kid favorites prefer attack ads on tv and push-poll telemarketing.) Dave even got pictures!

And you too can be part of this, as Dave points out:

The key point, the one not to miss, is that anyone can do this. Today’s Rotary session was open to the public. We paid $10 each so we could eat, but if we didn’t want to eat the cost would have been $0. The candidates want to talk to you.

And, bloggers, when the candidates talk to you, they talk to us all! Yee hah! Come all ye bloggers! Put your feet where your mouth is (I always do) — or your carpool where your mouth, or whatever–and blog this primary!

* Dave, I don’t think Graham is being dishonest in opposing Bush’s big deficits–tax cuts for the rich don’t pass on a richer nation to our grandkids like (say) government spending on schools and hospitals. Halley, I think that Dave is smiling in this picture! And, if I’d been there, I sure would have had to that Howard Dean is the best Presidential candidate in years!

Woo hoo! I just got email from Joe Trippi at Dean for America It seems like just yesterday everyone I told I was working for Dean said “Who?”

Don’t forget Meetup, August 6!