Betsy Devine: Funny ha-ha and/or funny peculiar

Brand new, from Scott Adams, just started October 24. Scott’s first post already has 27 comments–and I love its category, “Dilbert Stuff That Got Me In Trouble.”

His number one entry here? “Dangerous donuts”! At least he doesn’t blame that Krispy Kreme meme….

…though I clearly can’t can’t resist…

“…washing down a handful of Oxycontin and a dozen Krispy Kremes with a pint of Jack Daniel’s and only then slathering on the baby oil and heading for the beach…”

…to quote Miss Conduct, whose advice column really peps up the Boston Globe.

Delicious, sugary, yeasty Krispy Kreme memery is popping up in some very strange dimensions, including math lessons in the Annals of Improbable Research.

Meanwhile, in real life, Miss Conduct and Annals editor Marc Abrahams (he’s also the IgNobel Igurehead) are (to coin a new-fangled phrase) wife and man.

As my German-speaking friend Diane would say, “Sweet!”

My pal Bert claims it’s making and understanding puns. For example, he offers these ten pun-contest winners:

1. A vulture boards a plane with two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, ” I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A couple has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth parents. The mother says, “I wonder what his brother looks like.” Her husband replies, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so,— thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Well, all Bert’s puns made me laugh–hope you like them too.

People are puzzled by Tom DeLay’s smirking perp walk…not to mention his beaming mug shot.

Just who the heck does he think he is — Bill Gates?

Here’s what my magic mind-reading hat says Tom DeLay is thinking:

• “La la la — I am soooo much richer than the cop taking my photo.”
• “This expression looked just great on my campaign flyers.”
• “Things could be way worse–at least I’m not Scooter or Rove!”

No, that isn’t a nightmare low-residue menu–it’s three different foods introduced in 1937.

And, for a few more factoids from the Food Timeline:

• Beans and walnuts are the oldest of the 14 superfoods–their use dates back to 7000 BC.
• Popcorn was invented about 3600 BC; butter wasn’t discovered until 600 years later.
• Marshmallows and liquorice both date back to about 2000 BC.
• I am older than Marshmallow Peeps but younger than Bisquick.

Thanks to Niek Hockx for this delicious linkage!

…in fact, twelve questions, but this is my personal favorite:

In retrospect, wouldn’t it have been smarter to just TP Wilson’s house, and he would be all like “Valerie, the trees are filled with toilet paper!” and you’d be laughing your butt off outside, which would be so cool.

It’s dangerous to criticize a Muslim cleric, even one whose fatwas promote hatred and violence.

So the Saudi government is fighting fire with..humor. They’re using semi-official press to make fun of frivolous fatwas. They republished, for example, this recent fatwa against playing soccer by regular rules…

3. Do not call “foul” and stop the game if someone falls and sprains a hand or foot or the ball touches his hand, and do not give a yellow or red card to whoever was responsible for the injury or tackle. Instead, it should be adjudicated according to Sharia rulings concerning broken bones and injuries. The injured player should exercise his Sharia rights according to the Koran and you must bear witness with him that so-and-so hurt him on purpose…

14. You should use two posts instead of three pieces of wood or steel that you erect in order to put the ball between them, meaning that you should remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system’s despotic international rules…

Bogota’s use of “traffic mimes” cut their pedestrian death rate in half. But this use of humor sounds even more hopeful to me.

This article is in the NY Times paid op-ed section. Nobody likes paying, but there aren’t many US institutions more worthy (and needy) of $$ support than our big, good newspapers.

Wired News has the story and pix–so do about a billion other sources.

Damn, next year we are sooooo doing better than attending in effigy!

The original Star Wars, reduced to three minutes of Flash in “Star Dudes,” reminds you how funny minimalism can be–and how much you loved its hokey original!

No, not those ancient take-out boxes I just excavated from fridge…the BBC has news (and horrible photos) of some 4,000 year-old noodles unearthed in China.

The article quotes Professor Houyuan Lu: “Prior to the discovery of noodles at Lajia, the earliest written record of noodles is traced to a book written during the East Han Dynasty sometime between AD 25 and 220, although it remained a subject of debate whether the Chinese, the Italians, or the Arabs invented it first…Our discovery indicates that noodles were first produced in China,”

In other words “Take that, you anti-Marco-Polo-ite Italian pasta patriots! Neener neener to those who claim the Arabs were first! All your spaghetti are belong to us!”

But wasn’t that tactful of the BBC to hold back this news until after Columbus Day?

I’m sorry I ever hinted Brits weren’t polite…